The song lyrics
“My husband and I once spent about three hours arguing over the words to Elton John’s Rocket Man. We were travelling new through New Zealand with no phone signal to check who was right or wrong and had just the one tape to listen to. We must have listened to it over 20 times in the car and every time made me angrier. I was literally screaming the words.
He knew he was wrong, he was doing it on purpose, but the more annoyed I got the funnier he found it. I think he just kept it up for something to do to pass the time.”
The French toast
“I got up early one weekend to make my boyfriend French toast (my all-time favourite breakfast) and although it was obviously DELICIOUS he hated it and refused to eat it. I had made loads for us in preparation of a complete feast and I was so furious that I ate the whole lot to prove a point and was then spectacularly sick.”
“My ex-boyfriend and I had a huge row when he saw my friend had commented on one of my Instagram photos of us saying that he looked like Nick Grimshaw. He took offence to this and we had a blazing row over whether Nick Grimshaw was good looking or not. He asked me to remove the comment (he was mental, hence why he’s my ex) and I refused, of course. It ended with us not talking to each other for the rest of the weekend and me going to stay with my friend.”
“At the weekend my partner and I took our four year old son to a new café that used to be a courthouse. Our son asked if the building used to be a church and when we said, “No, it used to be a courthouse,” he asked what a courthouse was.
This is where the argument started.
I explained to him that it’s where people who have been arrested by the police go, so that someone can decide whether or not they’ve been naughty and whether they need to go to prison. I went on to give an example of someone getting a parking ticket, arguing that there was no sign to say he couldn’t park there… when my partner interrupted me with, “OH MY GOD, he’s four years old, how do you expect him to understand that?!”
Then he followed with an example of someone who had stolen a strawberry milkshake, then when he got to court it had been captured on CCTV so they sent him to prison. To which I said, “You wouldn’t be sent to prison for stealing a strawberry milkshake. Then we continued to argue about how best to explain it for ages. Then after a while we asked our son, “Do you understand what a courthouse is now?” to which he replied, “No”.”
The wet dog
“A few years ago our dog had a very upset tummy and had to keep being brought outside in the middle of the night to do her business. It was then four am and pouring and it was my partners turn and he was grumpy and comfortable and absolutely refusing to go again. I furiously got out of bed and brought her outside and stomped around, came back in with a soaking wet dog and lifted the covers so she could snuggle up to him. I managed to get him and my own bed soaked. But it was funny enough that all was forgiven.”
“I’m going to make us omelettes for lunch” I cheerily said on the way in from a dog walk one Saturday morning.
“Can you even make omelettes, Luce?” he questioned.
“Yeah, course I can.” I irritatingly replied. (I’d never made an omelette in my life)
Too many eggs into a non-greased frying pan later…
“James this isn’t working, it’s still all runny in the middle but all stuck to the pan round the sides”
As he takes the pan away from me and attempts to salvage my poor attempts, he laughs “Oh babe, you really are a rubbish cook aren’t you.”
I rapidly lose my sh*t while snatching the pan back and start to plate up.
“DON’T LAUGH AT ME YOU PR*CK, YOU’RE RUINING IT!!!! How can I learn if you’re always interfering all the time?”
“Luce we can’t eat that, it’s raw egg”
“FINE. I’m just sh*t at everything, aren’t I, can’t do anything right EVER!!!” I screamed as I stormed out of and slammed the door.
I sat and cried on a bench for 10 minutes planning not to go back for at least two hours, but realised I was hungry so sulkily returned to the house and put a pizza in the oven. I’ve not tried to make an omelette since.
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